There are some tried & true methods we’re told to follow when trying to lose weight like “find someone who will hold you accountable” and “write down everything you eat in a day.”
Well, I need YOU to hold ME accountable as I describe EVERYTHING I ate today. Think of yourself as the Priest in the Confessional as I describe my sins of GLUTTONY. I don’t usually have a problem with binge eating (except Cheese Dip of any kind) but today I ended up on a not-so-fantastic-journey of food that has filled me with self-loathing.
I blame the toxic Chinese take-out we had for dinner last night. It was delicious but I’m pretty sure if someone had turned out the lights, that garlic chicken would’ve glowed in the dark. That’s probably why today my stomach was something akin to that plant from “Little Shop of Horrors.”
It started innocently enough with my regular breakfast. That’s a breakfast shake, V8, beef jerky and finally an energy bar, which I spread out over the 5 hours I’m on the air. That’s usually enough to get me to lunchtime but I was still starving so I ate handfuls of wasabi-peas while chatting with a co-worker about life (some call it “b**ching). I headed to Whole Foods later with an ache in my stomach that was all consuming. MUST. EAT. MORE. FOOD.
I did what we all do at Whole Foods. I took a tour of the world via cheese, including seconds of my favorites. That probably equaled about 2 handfuls of cheese, but my hands are small. I grabbed a bag of Kettle Corn before I left & ate handful after handful on the drive home, littering my lap with stray kernels. I even sat in the garage an extra 5 minutes because I couldn’t stop eating long enough to get out of the car.
The shame was really kicking in by then so I decided to eat a healthy green salad for lunch. Before that though I ate both the legs off a rotisserie chicken. I bought it to make soup, which will now have far more noodles than chicken. I noticed while plowing through leg #2 that it still had some feathers on it. That would be enough to shut most people down but I just turned it over & ate the other side. Once finished I ate the World’s Largest Healthy Green Salad (which I think automatically makes it NOT healthy) and then topped the whole thing off with a Godiva truffle.
I’d planned to hit the gym after that (pointless, right?) but the climate in my gut suddenly shifted. I needed to sit and wait for things to settle, but once down I could NOT get back up. It reminded me of a story my sister once told me.
She was on a Spring Break beach trip with her sorority & they bought a pound of bologna for lunch meat. No one touched it of course (because nothing sounds grosser on a 5-day-drunkfest than BOLOGNA) so they fed it all to the seagulls before they left. The seagulls were so full that they couldn’t fly away. The girls laughed on the beach watching them make attempt after attempt but never taking flight. Then I realized THAT WAS ME. After a day of binging for no reason, I was just another fat flightless seagull, flapping & farting my way across the sand.
(I’m pretty sure that seagulls can’t fart, but I still like that mental image.)
So forgive me Father for I have sinned. I have eaten far more than any human should in a day and now I’m paying the physical price. How many Hail Mary’s should I do for this…and can you please help me get out of this chair?