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Julie’s Jabbers: Elf On The Shelf Meets The Zombie Apocalypse

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(Julie Fisk)

(Credit:Julie Fisk)

I hate Elf on the Shelf and here’s why.

We had an ice-storm recently that left everyone stranded at home with their kids. Three days in, one of my girlfriends announced on social media that she couldn’t take it anymore and was going OUT. She also asked if anyone wanted to go with her and of course, everyone did. It must have been a big night because the next morning, the Elf on the Shelf in her house had not moved an inch. Her kids decided that Elfie was NOT HAPPY about Mom’s party night and THAT’S why he didn’t make his nightly trip to the North Pole.

SEE? This is why Elf on the Shelf sucks.

He is supposed to help keep kids in check by reporting their indiscretions back to Santa, but instead he just busts forgetful parents.

I blame Emma’s preschool teacher because SHE is the one who told her about Elf on the Shelf. Emma came running home, filled with stories about the elf that would watch her during the day & report back to Santa each night. So I went on the website and ordered not one, but 2 elves because like an idiot I thought you needed one per child. It never occurred to me that it also meant moving 2 elves each night, which has led to some interesting explanations when they DON’T move.

Sometimes the weather is bad so they don’t attempt the trip home, or maybe they did move but they just traded places so it looks like they DIDN’T move. Of course when I DO forget, I will go ahead & move the elves as soon as I can and my kids always get SO EXCITED! I can’t believe that they buy it. Did these dolls fly to the North Pole & back in just a few minutes or did Mom move them? Well they flew home of course!

Furthermore, Elf on the Shelf looks CREEPY! He’s covered in felt, has no hands or feet and it’s all topped off by this massive plastic head. They’ve even started putting elves in skirts, which I guess turns them into a girl. So, WHY do my kids love them so much?

I need to find a way to make my kids AFRAID of Elf on the Shelf, so they’ll want him to STOP coming to our house. Tonight, I think I’ll black out one elf’s eyes with a Sharpie and position him next to a meat cleaver. Tomorrow night, I’ll put the Evil Elf on top of the other Elf and make it look like a zombie attack.

The next night, I’ll black out the other one’s eyes so we have 2 zombie elves.

It won’t be quite as fun when the girls find THOSE nasty things hiding around the house, will it? Maybe the Evil Elves will go on a rampage. They could hog-tie the Furby or toss the La La Loopsy’s in the toilet so it looks like a scene from “Titanic.”

Oh, it is ON and I’m actually a little excited about hiding the elves again because the Evil Elf on the Shelf Apocalypse has begun and it’s starting at my house. Watch out or it might spread to YOURS, too!

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