Reporting Julie Fisk
My 5-year-old is about to turn 6 and she wants to have her birthday party at the American Girl Doll Store. She wants to do this NOT because she loves the dolls so much, but because she thinks it would be a good opportunity to get new EYEBALLS for her McKenna doll.
Yes, Lucy says there’s something WRONG with her doll’s eyes because they open and close when they’re not supposed to.
She use to sleep with McKenna, but then asked me to hide her in the corner at bedtime, preferably facing the wall. When I asked what the problem was, she said that she woke up the night before and McKenna was looking at her. That’s not supposed to happen because their eyes close when you lay them down, but I didn’t mention this to Lucy. I told her that they were probably stuck. Today she brought the American Girl Doll catalog to me and told me to look at their eyes.
“See how their eyes are smiling, Mommy? McKenna’s eyes don’t smile anymore. And sometimes they cloud over.”
What I said: “Honey, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about.”
What I wanted to say: “Honey, I’m sure it’s nothing to worry about…but let’s tear McKenna into tiny pieces and burn her in a dumpster, just to be safe.”
See, I personally am terrified of McKenna and her evil cousin from the ‘70’s Julie, who both live under our roof. Sure, they are lovely dolls with great clothes who also teach my kids interesting lessons about being a GIRL, but I’m pretty sure they are also part of some evil empire that is going to take over the world at some point. Think about it. Those things are EVERYWHERE. Arm them with a wicked sense of humor and sharp objects and it could get ugly.
In fact, I would love to start interviewing the people who work at those stores. I bet the American Girl Doll employees tell stories of seeing the dolls move unassisted, or of hearing the tinkle of little girl laughter from the storage rooms when no one is in there. If that isn’t the case, then I might have to pick up a part time job there, just to start the rumors myself.
“And one night, I was driving home from work and I could’ve SWORN I saw Molly, the World War II doll in my back seat…but instead of a smile she had razor…sharp…teeth.”
Until that day, I’ll just have to see what I can find out at Lucy’s birthday party, when they surgically remove McKenna’s evil eyes and replace them with friendly ones. But mark my words: When the apocalypse comes, it won’t be in the form of zombies, vampires or even sharks in tornadoes.
It will be a massive army of American Girl Dolls…and their eyes will NOT be smiling.