Julie’s Jabber: Confessions Of A Panty Hoarder

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My husband & I took a brief vacation away from the kids recently. It was the first time we’d been alone overnight in YEARS so I decided to pack something sexy for the occasion.

Well, that was the PLAN until I peeked into my underwear drawer and realized I had not purchased new underwear in years.

That doesn’t mean my underwear drawer was empty, mind you. No, quite the opposite.

It actually vomited underwear and appeared to gasp for breath as soon as it was opened. One glance & I knew that nothing in there matched and I’m pretty sure most of it predated my kids. There were even a few nursing bras and, dare I say it, pregnancy panties? That’s when I knew the dreadful truth: I am a Panty Hoarder.

As further proof of this, I decided to hit Victoria’s Secret for some new undies. Victoria’s Secret seemed a little surprised to see me though. When I walked in, the sales woman shot me a look that said, “Shouldn’t you be at the Lego store or maybe buying Crocs for your kids?”

She was up for the task though and quickly led me away from the pink nighties I was eyeing. She said I’d be better off in a “more appropriate” color, which she decided was BLACK.
I guess my lingerie is in perpetual mourning now.

She also commented about my backside, saying I might “need more coverage.” That was pretty funny since her posterior was sizeable enough to warrant it’s own theme song, like a Major League Baseball player.
So I brought home my age-appropriate, backside-covering lingerie and tried to cram it in with my 20-year-old undergarments.

The black, lacey new pieces stood out in that sad, overstuffed drawer like a super-model in Wal-Mart.

Where did this other stuff come from? I couldn’t remember the origin of most of it and feel certain that at no time in my life would I buy pink panties with ANGEL written in sequins across the butt. Yet there they were, living in harmony with other pieces that might have been with me since college.

I think that my Panty Hoarding problem began when I had kids because what’s the point of buying new stuff when no one sees it? The romantic moments rarely arise for parents and when they do, you’re probably still in your work clothes and staring at a locked door, praying a kid doesn’t suddenly need help with their homework.

Victoria Secret does not factor into that scenario at all.

But to initiate change one must first recognize the problem right?

My name is Julie and I am a Panty Hoarder. I have no 12-Step program, but I promise to go through that drawer and throw out any panty I do not recognize. If it could be categorized with labels like Maternity, Period or Granny, I will stuff it into a giant trash bag. If it has sequins or is a flesh-cutting-thong that makes my hips look like biscuit dough, it’s gone…for good.

I promise.

Unless I need it.

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